


I can't stop staring at you

by Olivehouis, Tainamoniques



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:21:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26731315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Olivehouis/pseuds/Olivehouis, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tainamoniques/pseuds/Tainamoniques
Summary: Every morning, upon entering the classroom, Neil's gaze quickly moves to the chair occupied by Aaron Minyard. The blond, who transferred at the beginning of the school year, rarely talks to anyone in the class, and whenever he says something, it's about classes. Nobody knows anything about him and clearly nobody wants to know. Some mornings, when Neil watches him, he seems to be tired, worried, and it is precisely on those mornings that he always seemed more thought-provoking, more interesting.How could someone seem, overnight, to be someone else?Neil has a theory, but he refuses to share it with anyone else because it seems extremely absurd: Aaron is not a single person. To be more specific, for Neil, there is someone exactly identical to him who takes his place from time to time. No one has ever suspected anything, but not everyone notices the blond boy as much as Neil does.
Relationships: Aaron Minyard & Andrew Minyard, Andrew Minyard & Renee Walker, Betsy Dobson & Aaron Minyard, Betsy Dobson & Andrew Minyard, Kevin Day & Andrew Minyard, Kevin Day & Betsy Dobson, Kevin Day/Aaron Minyard, Matt Boyd & Neil Josten, Neil Josten & Aaron Minyard, Neil Josten & Allison Reynolds, Neil Josten & Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten & Mary Hatford, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Nicky Hemmick & Aaron Minyard & Andrew Minyard, Stuart Hatford & Neil Josten
Kudos: 40





	1. Chapter 1. observer

**Author's Note:**

> Translation of my own text.
> 
> Link:  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/26180275/chapters/63706504

When the alarm goes off, I just reach for the cell phone and turn it off. I've been awake for a few minutes, waiting. I never know what I expect, but I have been doing it for so long that it has become an essential part of my days.

Since childhood, I have always been considered as "peculiar". I observe, analyze and perceive everything. And besides being that way, people say that I don't have the ability to filter my thoughts. I realize that being that way has pushed countless people out of my life, but I just don't care enough to try to be different.

I cross my arms and place them under my head. My legs crossed at the ankle. That way, I look at the bedroom ceiling and the loose paint splinters. I don't even remember a time when my room was in a better state. Neither the bedroom nor the house, actually.

When I was a kid, I used to complain about what our home was like. I always asked for a bed that wouldn't make a noise every time I moved, or for a wardrobe that had doors. Always thinking about myself, and never about the collective or my mother. She was always working and it was never enough for our expenses, so giving me “beautiful and new” furniture was out of the question. When she got sick, I had to take a few hours at the pharmacy in our neighborhood. That was the only way for us to continue to have money for expenses and to have her medicines for free.

For reasons like these that I stayed away from Allison and Seth, because I knew that for them my lack of money was always an issue that caused discomfort; at the same time as for Matt, it caused solidarity.

I never wanted solidarity.

I wanted friendship. And nothing that could give her conditions. So I watch them from a distance.

As I get ready for class, I think of someone else that I usually watch daily. Aaron Minyard. He is a boy who recently transferred, and after the news of a blond and older boy among the girls of our year passed, he became invisible. I like invisible people, because they always have things to tell that no one else cares about. But I care. Not that I care is important to him.

Most of the time he seems to be a person without emotions, as if everything around him really just annoys him and is not able to captivate his attention. And on other days, he looks tired and worried.

At first, these differences in mood were very subtle, as everyone has their moments of concern, so it was nothing too much for me. But, little by little, it started to become evident that the person who simply showed no interest in front of colleagues could not be the same person who would express concern - acting as if he were there just for being. Details like the way you sit, or the look directed at the teachers were things that made me suspect that something was going on.

In the 3 months since the beginning of the school year, I noticed at least 6 times that Aaron didn't seem to be Aaron. Yeah, I know, I may be being crazy. I have theories, of course. One more absurd than the other.

One of the theories I like most is that they are about two people. This is my favorite because it could help explain why on some days he is simply just another person to observe himself in the sea of students and on others, he is someone who awakens in me things that I have never felt.

When I go to school, that's what I think about almost every morning. And as soon as I enter the classroom, he looks directly at the chair always occupied by the boy Minyard. Seeing that it is empty today, my heart is racing slightly and my hands are shaking. When I sit in my seat, I keep looking at that empty chair without being able to even notice everyone entering the classroom. Not even the teacher starting the class.

\- Sorry I'm late - the breathless and loud voice coming from the door is the only thing that gets me out of my thoughts. Instinctively, I smile when I see Aaron coming. And my smile increases even more when I notice that it is the version of him that I prefer. The version that has a worried look and, as always, rests its elbows on the table as soon as it sits down and lowers its head, placing its hands between the blond and always messy threads.

I wonder how anyone else seems to notice that this is not the same boy sitting between us yesterday. There is no way to be the same person. There is no way this person can be the one who always feels with a straight posture, writing everything down in the notebook concentrated in class and with straight hair. The version of Aaron that I'm seeing now looks like it's having to deal with all the problems in the world and struggling to keep control. This version makes me want to not only observe, but participate.


	2. Chapter 2. greenhouse

When Aaron left with his “stable” mood, I went back to my bed and sank into the covers. My night was too tiring and too long. Having to adapt my schedules according to how my brother is doing has not always been easy, but since we left our mother's house, it has been practically impossible. It is also not easy to keep us being the only one who can work, and at very sporadic times.

Aaron is, as Nicky says, a full-time job. And really, it is. At any point in my day I may have to drop everything to go after him.

When we were “normal” teenagers and lived with our mother, she used to say that he only did these things to get attention, and not because he had anything else. I myself only realized the severity when he was admitted and we met Bee. She was the psychiatrist responsible for attending him and explained to me and our mother what he had.

When we heard the term used, each had a different reaction. She laughed, saying that this could only be a very bad joke, as she had not raised any children to be that weak; and I asked for all the details and information that the psychiatrist could give me. I felt that for the first time I was really understanding my brother.

I feel that I will never be able to understand his mind, or to understand what he feels, but every detail I learn, every care with him makes me a little closer to that.

Aaron and I are twins, and there is no one in the world who could be half what he is to me.

The year before, we were veterans and this was supposed to be the last year for both of us. I thought about colleges, but Aaron thought about how life just opened up for even more complications.

Our mother was of no help, because every time he missed school because he was in a depressive episode, she screamed and became violent.

Aaron failed to graduate, and I got him out of that house the first chance I got. Our cousin, Nicky, offered us to stay at his home, as he always travels to Germany because of his job. Because of him, we don't have to worry about having money for rent. Aaron's treatment costs more than I can afford.

The change was just a neighborhood, but it seems that it was much more than that. Since we left our mother's house, we haven't seen or heard from her. We are legally adults, since we are 18 years old, and she no longer has to worry about her two “ungrateful children” - in her words, of course.

During the previous year, Aaron met a boy and they got very close. Kevin was very important in all the events of the past few months, and he helped even when there was no need. We share our days to always have one of us available to Aaron. The twin brother and the boyfriend. We are quite a pair.

When the two met, I was against it. I believed there was danger in that proximity, because at some point Kevin would break my brother's heart and it could destroy my brother in a way that I would not be able to improve.

But gradually, Kevin and Bee, together, made me realize that I don't need to improve or fix anything on my brother. It is not broken. He is able to make his own decisions - as long as he is stable and undergoing treatment, which I guarantee he is always doing.

Failing to go back to sleep, I lie there trying to warm up or force sleep to come anyway. But my cell phone rings, and always prepared to be an emergency, I answer on the second ring.

It's Kevin.

\- What happened? - For him to call me at this hour, probably something bad.

\- Aaron, he ...

I realize that he is crying.

\- Kevin, where is he? He is hurt?

\- He is arrested.

Ah. Fuck. Stuck again?

\- Can you explain to me? - I put the call on speakerphone, and while we talk, I get out of bed to change clothes. My attempt to sleep is over.

\- It looks like he broke into the greenhouse of a house on the way to school. He said it was just to get a flower for his boyfriend, that he was not vandalizing. But they didn't believe it.

\- Did they call you? - Both he and I are your emergency contact, in case things like this happen. I always feel frustrated when they call Kevin first. I feel the need to always be the person who will take care of and solve my brother's problems.

\- Yes. As soon as they arrived at the police station. I explained that he is bipolar, and that he must be on the rise. They want someone to go and get him.

\- I'll.

\- No, you need to take his place at school. Please trust me. I pick him up and bring him home. - I sit on the bed, unplug the speakerphone and lift the phone to my ear.

\- Kevin, take good care of him. Please. And call me if anything happens.

I turn off my cell phone and run, seeing that I'm already late for class.

High school. I didn't even like it when I was forced to do it, so now much less.

And knowing that I will need to spend hours in classrooms while my brother is on an outbreak just makes me even more nervous. In moments like this I am happy that now I trust Kevin, because I know that with him, nothing dangerous will happen to my brother.


	3. full mind

When classes are finally over and I am free from this hell called school, I keep the notebook in my basic black backpack (Aaron has two of the same kind, for guarantee on days like today when I need to take his place due to an emergency), and I quickly go to the supermarket parking lot next to the school. My car is waiting for me, and in a matter of minutes I am heading towards Kevin's house.

Even the place where I leave my car must always be well thought out these days. Aaron never comes by car, so arriving by car one day and not the next, could get a little attention. In addition, I must always avoid talking to anyone as much as possible, as a minimum detail can compromise our play.

I don't know what the consequences would be if the school finds out we do this, but I bet it wouldn't be a very good thing. My brother cannot fail another year and I don't want to stay here, stuck in this city. I want the two of us together to be able to go to college, have a life away from the hell that this city is.

Also, I'm afraid of what will happen to Aaron if he feels he has failed again. He doesn't deal well with failures or the idea of failing, and every time something like this happened, it's in his security that he took it out.

While I spent hours sitting in classrooms, pretending to pay attention and taking notes from class, I just wrote down the same things in the notebook: the question "what am I going to do with my brother this time?" and a list of things I need to do once I'm with him.

Whenever things like this happen, I like to look at my brother, talk to him and see how he is doing. I am not an expert, but I do not trust almost anyone to say that he is fine. Kevin is the boyfriend, and even though I trust him to take care of my brother, I don't trust him to understand my brother. I want to call Betsy, ask for help and let her decide the next steps. It's the one I really trust.

I don't know if I can stand to decide anything else. Need help.

When I park in front of Kevin's house, I look for a copy of the house key in the glove compartment. Upon entering the house, I remain silent and walk directly to his room.

\- Hi - I lean on the doorframe, crossing my arms at chest level. Kevin and Aaron are lying on the bed. The dark room lit only by the dim glow of the television. Aaron doesn't move, he remains lying on his boyfriend's belly, gaining affection in his hair, which is always very neat.

\- Hi - Kevin tries to smile, but I realize that he is controlling himself not to cry.

Seeing how exhausted Kevin is makes me afraid.

From the beginning, I was worried about how this relationship could harm my brother, who forgot that Kevin could get hurt from it too. I know Kevin loves Aaron, but if he decides he can't take it anymore, my selfish side will make me hate him. Hating him for leaving my brother to deal with alone.

\- My love - Kevin says in a soft tone of voice to my brother. Aaron keeps his eyes on the television. - I'll prepare something for us to eat. Your brother must be hungry. I'll be right back.

Carefully, he pulls my brother away, making him lie down on a pillow and straighten the cover over his body. Kevin kisses Aaron's temple and fixes some of the messy hair. When he moves away from the bed towards the door where I am, he is smiling, but when he reaches the hall, the smile is gone from his lips and his eyes are full of tears.

\- Kitchen. - My tone of voice is firm and low. I take his arm and walk him to the kitchen. I close the door, to muffle the noise even more. - Okay, now you can cry for 2 minutes. After that, we will both talk about all of this. Only 2 minutes.

And he cries. For 2 minutes. For 5. For 10.

For as long as he cries, I'm standing in front of him, looking. When Kevin finally normalizes his breathing and runs his hand over his cheeks, drying his tears, I walk away and go to the fridge to see what has to eat.

"Tell me what happened," I ask, as I take out two plates of food and put some of what is in them on a plate to heat up. He sits across from me on the counter in his fancy kitchen. Kevin is rich as hell, because his father is a famous coach.

He says that according to what Aaron told the police, he was going to school when he noticed that the door to a greenhouse was open and he was curious. He came in, looked at all the flowers he had and chose one that Kevin might like. And in that, he bumped into a table, knocked over some broken pots. The lady of the house, listening to someone in the greenhouse, called the police and locked the door. He was stuck there until the police arrived. When they found him, he was sitting on the floor, shaking, nervous and crying. I just kept repeating Kevin's name.

When they tried his name or phone, he cried and asked not to call his brother. He said that Kevin would not be disappointed. And that was how Kevin was called to pick him up and I was not.

I was silent while Kevin spoke, and continued on for a few more minutes.

\- Do you mind if I talk to him alone? - He shakes his head, and sits. I go to the bedroom, and he is still lying the same way. I sit where Kevin was lying before and give his arm a light squeeze to get his attention. Aaron lies with his head on my thighs.

\- Did you go in my place? - His voice is low, emotionless.

He always stays that way after a psychotic episode. I'm glad the outbreak this time was invading a place and not getting hurt.

\- I was. There was nothing important today, don't worry.

\- Same as always, then. - He chuckles.

I don't laugh together.

I can't stand your attempt at humor to keep me from being sad or worried.

\- I'll call Betsy.

\- Don't check me in, please.

\- Okay. - I answer, because I don't want to admit him, and because I don't want him to think I'm giving up on him.

Aaron is afraid that people will get tired of him, and I am constantly trying to show that no one will give up on him. I need him to believe me, because Betsy usually says that it will make a difference in his treatment - he will not get better or stay stable if he believes that nobody cares that he stays stable.

I care. And Kevin too.

After a while, Kevin joins us and we make room for him to sit on the other side of Aaron. The three of us together then watched the movie.

\- He's sleeping - I comment. Kevin sighs, runs his hand over the back of the sleeping boyfriend facing me.

\- He's exhausted. I should have slept when we got home.

\- But as he is stubborn, he refused to sleep. It's his face.

Kevin chuckles softly.

\- How are you?

\- I don't know. - I rest my head on the padded headboard and close my eyes. - Tired, I think. I feel like I haven't slept in months.

\- I will ask to leave the team ...

\- You know that the moment you do, Aaron breaks up with you. He doesn't want to hinder his career.

\- What career, Andrew? I got injured when I was 16. I am my father's assistant on a college team.

We've had this same conversation countless times and Aaron doesn't even dream of it. He would never accept his boyfriend leaving his career aside to have more time to deal with him.

\- Look, Kevin, he's in the last year of school. We will be able to make him graduate and next year you two can make decisions together, which I will support. I don't want to have to decide everything for my brother, nor for you. - I watch the way he looks at Aaron. I have no doubt that he would leave the job for my brother, but that would not help anyone. - Having a job, a routine, is good for him. Aaron handles things well when they fit into routines, so let's keep doing it.

\- You're right. But every time something happens, I blame myself for not doing enough.

\- You missed work again because of him. Do you do everything for him and still blame yourself?

\- I could do much more ...

\- We already talked about it, - I mumble. - We will not move to your house or let you pay for my brother's treatment.

\- You can barely handle your routine and still kill yourself in a job at night to be able to pay for the drugs that I know are not cheap. Are you going to see Betsy?

\- I'll call. Can you take him to see her while I work today?

He nods. Then I pick up my phone and call my brother's psychiatrist. I get an appointment in the late afternoon.

\- Was it too difficult to delegate tasks to your brother's boyfriend?

I don't bother to answer, but I stare at him until he laughs stupidly.

I spend more time lying down with the two of them, until it is time to go to my work.

I go home, take a shower and get dressed, and drive to the club where I work helping in the kitchen and also preparing drinks, even though I'm not even old enough to drink legally - which the club ignored when they hired me.

The advantage of working in a nightclub is that the noise is loud and turns off the voices in my mind that insist that everything will go wrong. Kevin sends me a message saying that the appointment had to be canceled, but that the next morning I could take my brother. Irritated because it means missing a day of school, I spend my entire shift being a whiner every time someone tries to talk to me.

When I get home at dawn, I go straight to my brother's room, but then I remember that he's with Kevin. I take the opportunity to look at his medicines, to see if he is taking them correctly. As he usually sleeps several nights with his boyfriend, there are several bottles of his medicines there.

I am relieved to see that the amount of pills is as it should be, because at least he did not stop his medication on his own (again).

Tired, frustrated and discouraged, I lie in my brother's bed and sleep right there. I wake up a few hours later, with my alarm going off. I take a shower and go to Kevin's house. I meet my brother, who looks much better than the day before.

\- Good morning - he says excitedly getting into my car. - Kevin had to replace his father. So he left early.

\- Um - is my whole answer.

We arrived a little earlier than planned for the consultation, so I go to a coffee shop and buy coffee for both of us. I fill mine with sugar and make his bitter.

\- Thank you. - He smiles when he takes the coffee from my hand and gets restless while we wait for him to be called. Aaron dangles his legs, stomping his feet and tapping his fingers against the coffee cup. I think I should have asked for decaf not to make it worse.

When Bee calls to us, he leads the way, walking fast and smiling. I take a deep breath as I follow him. He's not normal, but he thinks he is and that will make my day long.

\- Hi boys. How are you?

\- Stupendous - Aaron smiles.

\- He sucks - I'm sincere, smiling too. My brother slaps me on the arm. Bee shakes her head in thought. I tell you what happened the day before.

\- It wasn't that bad. Andrew is overreacting.

After a while in silence, Betsy looks at my brother.

\- You were arrested, spent the day after that in bed, without eating even when Kevin insisted? - He confirms with a shrug. - Today you woke up feeling absurdly happy and well?

He confirms it again, this time with a slightly worried expression on his face. It is as if the chip is falling for him.

\- I am, right?

\- What are you in, Aaron? - Betsy encourages you to speak. She prefers us to do so. At first she said that when one of us says that he is at a certain stage, we can only make him angry and unconscious. And that he needs to be aware of how he is in order to improve.

\- In mania.

He is still shaking, but now he is also crying.

It still makes me suffer when I see my brother crying when he realizes he is in crisis.

The worst part is seeing, but not being able to understand what is going on in his mind right now.

\- Unfortunately, my love - the doctor's voice is calm and she holds her hand over the table. - I'll adjust the amount of lithium you take. How much is the dosage now? - She turns to me, the person always responsible for his medication.

\- 2 300mg tablets at night.

\- I'll move to 3 and add a weaker mood modulator, which should stabilize his mood for the next few days.

I watch as she prescribes new drugs and I wonder how much this new drug will cost.

Betsy is sweet, but she is a very expensive psychiatrist. It is recommended that the patient with bipolar disorder always go to the same doctor, as I already know the history and generates confidence. So we continue with it. She's good, always took good care of him and we trust her.

When we left the appointment, we returned home. Kevin sent a message saying he would call when he was free, because he wants to spend the day with Aaron. However, he only arrives shortly before I am due to leave for work. I leave a few minutes before normal to go to the pharmacy that is on the same street as the nightclub.

Upon entering the pharmacy, I go straight to the service counter. When someone comes up to answer me, I notice that I'm one of Aaron's classmates. Damn it.

\- Hi, what would it be for you today? - He knows who I am, or who I should be, I mean, my brother. It's in the face.

\- Hi. I need these meds - I hand over the prescription before I think straight.

If he works in a pharmacy he must understand what these medicines are used for. He should know that lithium is a common medication to treat bipolar disorder.

Fuck.

No one was supposed to know that he is bipolar. I bet this kid is going to open his mouth and tell everyone tomorrow that the stranger in the class is bipolar.

When he has taken all the medication and is finalizing his purchase, he watches me closely.

\- I noticed that you never missed class, but today you did. If you want, I can give you information about a physics job that was passed today.

\- Ah - I get a little reactionless. - Okay. I can catch up with you tomorrow morning. Thank you.

\- Bye then, Aaron - he smiles.

\- Bye - I know his name is Neil Josten, the desk where he sits and he never stops staring at me. But I won't say anything.


	4. Chapter 4. feelings

When I got home, my mother was already asleep. I went straight to my room, where I studied, in silence, and prepared the material I promised Aaron that I would take the next day. By the time I go to bed, it's almost 4 am and I get frustrated because of another bad night's sleep.

Insomnia is a common occurrence, but I always hope that it will end on its own. The pharmacist I work for gave me some pills that should help on nights like this. I never took any of them. I think, unconsciously, I know that I may need them at another time, so they are always there. Waiting. Everything in my life is always waiting for something. That something so far has come to nothing.

Too early, I wake up and wait for my cell phone to wake up - just like every day.

I get ready quickly and stop by my mother's room before leaving. She is lying down, with the cover covering her head. I sit next to you and hold your hand between mine. She must be in pain again. I suffer whenever I see her and she suffers when I'm around. She wants to protect me from this, but none of us know what to do.

I always try to take advantage of those moments when it is off due to the strong pain medication, and to get closer to feel the contact of my mother's thin and fragile skin on mine.

\- I miss you - my voice is low, so she doesn't wake up.

I leave the room, taking one last look when I'm at the door. I get something in the kitchen that I can eat while I go to school and leave the house. As always, I keep going. Matt, my former best friend and neighbor, is leaving the house right now. He waves to me from inside his truck and accelerates. He must be going to his girlfriend's house, Dan. He always did this script, so I guess he still does.

When I get to school, Aaron is sitting in his usual place, fiddling with his notebook.

\- Hi, - I say excitedly, as I approach. He looks up and looks confused.

\- Are you talking to me?

\- Yes. - I sit at the table in front of yours and open my backpack to take out the material I prepared. I look at the corner of my eye and notice that he is different from how he has been in the last two days. The hair is too tidy, the posture is straight and the eyes only show boredom, not worry. - Here - I hand the sheet over. He holds it, still looking confused.

\- What is it?

\- What I told you yesterday that I would deliver.

I shrug, getting up and going to my wallet. He keeps looking at the paper I handed over and reads it, trying to understand what it is.

I smile as I watch your confusion. Aaron then takes out his cell phone and types something. He keeps staring at the screen until what I imagine is the answer to his message.

I feel like I'm beginning to understand the mystery that is Aaron Minyard.

I spend the rest of the classes thinking about what this interaction with the blonde indicated to me. And when I get home, I'm too distracted to think of anything but the boy who seems to be two. When I enter the kitchen, I get scared when I run into a tall, serious man.

\- Uncle Stuart? - I look towards the entrance door, looking at the street. I see a fancy car parked in front of the garden.

\- Neil, how are you? - He comes over and hugs me. His gestures are very cold and there is no affection in the embrace.

\- What happened? - He being here is not a good sign.

My mother left the family a few years ago and I don't know why one of them would just show up at our home. She didn't want any of them to know about the disease.

\- Your mother called, - I shake my head. It can only be a lie.

\- She would never do that.

There is not so much firmness in my voice and I wonder if she really would do that.

We are practically each other's only family. We always say that. None of the others matter. My dad left us when I was very young, and so I have no memories of him - but my mom does, and I'm pretty sure he was violent to her, even though she never answered me every time I tried to talk about him. Your family is rich and that's the only thing I know. Of course, in addition to the fact that they deserted her for running away with her American boyfriend and having a child out of wedlock. Uncle Stuart is the only one I met and it was only because he insisted on visiting my mom and me a few times.

He keeps looking at me, waiting for something.

It looks like a bad family. Wait. It frustrates me.

I push his hands that are approaching me again, and stride to my mother's room. Is empty. The bed is without sheets. There is no evidence of his presence either in the bedroom or in the bathroom. Not in any room.

She's not here.

\- She's not here, - I say quietly, standing still, my hands on the doorframe of her room, looking at the mattress. - She's not here, - I repeat, this time speaking louder.

\- Neil ...

I feel the touch of a hand on my shoulder, and I turn around ready to push the person.

\- Where is she? - I cry out, feeling my throat scratch. He swallows and lowers his head. - Where is she? I repeat, my voice almost inaudible.

I'm afraid. For the first time in a long time. I am afraid of what my uncle's presence means.

\- She's in the hospital.

\- Why? - Your speech doesn't make sense to me. I know my mom is sick, but not enough that I need to go to the hospital. - Why is she in the hospital?

\- Neil, she called me a few days ago and asked me to come.

\- Why is she in the hospital? - I repeat my question. Stuart rubs a hand over his face and sighs.

\- She is dying, and does not want to die at home where you will have to deal with it. I came here to take care of you - he tries to grab my shoulder, but I push him again.

Nothing he said makes sense. This is not happening. I know that cancer is serious and that people die because of it, but not skin cancer, no? Or did she hide the seriousness of the illness or what does it really have to protect me?

Your omissions have always been more painful than your lies.

He looks at my uncle's expressionless gaze and thinks of all the possibilities for today. I should take a quick shower and run to the pharmacy, where I would work late again. But I don't think I can do that today. All I want is immediacy. I want to exhaust myself to the point of not being able to think about anything.

Decided, I go to my room and without bothering to close the door, I change my school clothes for sweatpants and a long-sleeved blouse. I put on my running shoes and throw my cell phone on the bed, amid the mess left when I woke up.

\- Neil, where are you going? - My uncle tries to stop me before I walk out the kitchen door, but I turn around and even before I reach the street, I'm already running.

I don't notice the direction I'm going. I only focus on the touch of each foot on the floor. One step at a time. I count my heartbeat, trying not to think about anything. But as I go mile by mile, all I think about is my mother. Deep down, I know that she is really sick and that at some point, I would lose her. Only I preferred to pretend that it wasn't possible, that it wasn't going to happen. I just have her. How can I be without the only person who ever loved me and cared for me?

After hours of running, the sky has darkened and I am in pain in my legs from the effort. I sit on a park bench and watch the cars move on the street.

How many things have happened in the past few hours. How many things moved my mind. I was feeling excited about the whole situation involving Aaron Minyard, and now I'm victimizing myself for being the boy who is going to lose his mother. Meanwhile, my mom is in the hospital. Who knows how she is. But I bet she's feeling the same way I am: scared.

I come home, which takes less time than I would like. When I enter, my uncle is waiting for me at the kitchen table. He doesn't say anything. I take a shower, put on one of the clothes I know my mom likes and go back to the kitchen.

\- Take me to see her. - I ask, in a firm voice. He gets up, takes the car keys and locks the door to the house as soon as I leave. Uncle Stuart drives silently to the hospital and talks to the woman at the reception. I don't hear anything they say, but I follow them towards the corridor where the patients' rooms should be.

The woman at the reception, who must be a nurse, opens a door and looks at me, waiting for me to enter. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

I wait. I hear my heart racing. I hear my breath catch. I hear a silent request from my mind for me to run. I hope more. More and more.

I blink slowly and the whole wait is no more than a few seconds.

I walk into the room and can't look directly at the bed.

\- Neil - my mother's voice comes from the direction I don't want to look. - Come here, my love.

I can't move or look at her. I can not. I can not. Please make it stop.

Make it stop.

\- Neil, come here. It's all right. - His voice sounds confident, and it pisses me off. When I look at her, she's smiling, and I'm crying. - Ah, my love. Come here, my boy.

\- Please don't let me, - I beg. I stop beside the bed and take his hand. She's so different from how she was this morning that I wonder how long I didn't want to see her true state.

\- Everything will be fine, I promise.

But she cannot promise. Because nothing is going to be okay again.


	5. Chapter 5. little secret

When Aaron comes home from school, I'm getting out of the shower. I rub a towel on my wet hair and watch my brother, trying to see signs of his mood.

\- Hi - he throws the backpack on the kitchen floor and goes straight to the fridge, looking for food. As always.

\- Hi.

\- Something strange happened today.

\- What thing?

\- A boy from my class came to talk to me.

Ah. I remembered yesterday's conversation with the boy in the class. I forgot to warn Aaron that this could happen. Damn it. I don't tend to be careless about anything. Now the message sent by Aaron in the morning makes sense. He sent me saying that "every day a new idiot comes to school".

\- Really? And what did he want? - I don't know why I don't comment right away about knowing this or the conversation I had with the boy at the pharmacy. Perhaps to protect my brother and to prevent him from worrying about something that is not necessary. Or to see how far it can go.

At least I hope there is no need for concern.

My brother watches my face very carefully. He knows that I know something, I think. We are twins, we have known each other all our lives. Each knows the other very well. I smile a little, so he can get that idea out of his head.

\- He handed me a paper explaining the physics work that was done when none of us went to class.

\- Ah, so he was a nice guy.

\- A nice guy? - Aaron frowns and looks at me. - Since when did we find someone from that place slightly cool?

I shrug and go back to the bathroom to leave the towel I was using for my hair.

\- Kevin called me earlier. It will take him a long time to leave work, but I was wondering if you can't go find him there.

\- Yeah, he asked me by message the same thing. I think he is wanting me to do some physical activity with him.

My brother hates anything that involves physical activity, and Kevin always tries to convince him to run, hike or even participate in any of the Exy workouts that he takes care of for his father. But Aaron always deviates.

\- You know that physical activity is very important in your treatment. You should accept what Kevin is asking for.

\- Kevin just wants to control one more aspect of my life.

\- He doesn't want to control you, Aaron - I get frustrated, because again we're going to get into this conversation that my brother's toughhead refuses to understand. - He's your boyfriend, cares about you and was an athlete. Kevin knows how much sport, physical activity can be good for the person's body and mind, especially for you who take lithium and who have physical activity as one of the main treatment recommendations…

I realize that he's not even paying attention to me. So I go to my room, leaving him alone. Aaron tires me sometimes. And now it is one of those moments.

He doesn't accept it when someone says something about his illness. He thinks that as he has it, no one else can understand what it is like or make guesses. He forgets that we spent hours and hours looking for new information to make his life more peaceful, more stable.

Until I leave for work, I don't speak to my brother again. When I get home, he is sleeping in his room. There are messages from Kevin saying that he refused to go to see him. I feel like shouting at my brother, but it won't do any good. So I sleep. I wake up with him slamming the house door when I leave early in the morning, and I go to the arena to meet Kevin. We need to talk about Aaron.

I sit in the stands and watch my brother's boyfriend giving some commands to the university team that he and his father coach.

I was supposed to be on this team this year. This was supposed to be my training.

But I gave up everything because of Aaron.

I never told him that I received a proposal to join the team, with a scholarship and the position of goalkeeper. My brother always thought that I hated the sport and that I was just going to have something to do besides staying at home with our mother.

But I loved it. The adrenaline, the thrill of knowing I was good at something that depended solely on me. To surrender to something to the point that nothing else matters but the players in front of me and the racket in my hands.

Except that I wouldn't be able to deal with this last repeated year of Aaron and with the training, college and all the workload that the sport requires. So I had to make a choice, and I decided for my family.

Kevin knows about my "secret", but he never commented on anything. I'm glad he knows that I don't want Aaron to know, or he will feel guilty.

When the players return to practice moves, Kevin waves, calling me to go over to where he is.

\- Hi - he has his eyes fixed on the players, so he just nods in response.

We watched for a few minutes what is happening on the court and I feel an urge to join the team.

\- Misses? - It's like he reads my thoughts.

\- A lot - I answer, being sincere.

\- Your statistics indicated that you would be a professional, do you know that?

I nod. I put my hands in the pockets of my black jeans and turn my back to the field. Watching the sport still hurts.

Sometimes, to maintain fitness, I run. I always hated them, but now that's all I have left.

Every morning that Aaron is at school, I run several miles, forcing my body to stay strong enough that if I ever decide to go back to the sport, I can still afford it.

\- Do you think I would have a chance to enter next year? - The next year is a promise. Anything can happen and at the same time has a chance that nothing can happen.

\- Of course. I know your name is still on my father's list of interests, and it must be on several other teams. You just want to.

\- I want. But I don't know if I can.

Kevin sighs.

\- You are not solely responsible for your brother, Andrew.

\- You can't be responsible for my brother, Kevin.

\- I am not, but he is responsible for himself. He just needs help, not someone who does everything in his life. And I think you want to be the person who does everything for him.

I shrug. I do not want to answer. Kevin takes this as an indication that he can keep talking.

\- Andrew, you literally stopped your life to live his. You are always so concerned about his mental health that you forget yours. How many times have you thought if it makes you feel good? I bet none.

\- He is my brother.

\- And he's my boyfriend. And I love him more than anything, and I would do anything for him, but not to the point of sacrificing myself for something that doesn't do either. And you, deep down, know that you are doing just that.

I remain silent. I can't answer.

At various times just the two of us, Kevin tends to throw truths in my face, and he is the only one I really let him do that. Kevin is going through pretty much the same thing as me, and he loves my brother pretty much the same as I do. We both just want him well, and we both help each other to see what's best for him.

\- There's a boy in his class - I don't even know what makes me talk about it. - Who always stares at me when I take Aaron's place, but I think he does the same with my brother.

\- Do you like him? - Kevin is not jealous, but worried about what this boy might represent.

\- I do not think so. But I think he knows that we are two different people.

\- Why do you think that?

I comment on some of the two I went to school with and how the boy acts. I talk about the day at the pharmacy and the way he called me Aaron, as if he knew that this is not my name. I comment on him talking to Aaron the day before and that I'm afraid of how it might end.

\- What do you intend to do with that?

I shrug.

\- Nothing, I guess. At least for a while. I'll let you see what the boy does.

Kevin watches the players closely.

\- Where is your father? - I notice he is nowhere to be found.

\- Solving some things with the league. It seems that the team will have to play against a team again because most of the players were caught in anti-doping.

I laugh and he goes with me.

\- You will get along then.

He shrugs.

Kevin's confidence in the team itself is impressive.

\- Do you miss?

\- All the time. I love the sport, but training them is not enough. I wanted to be on the field.

\- You were always the best.

\- Thank you - he smiles sadly.

I return home just before Aaron arrives from school, and as soon as he enters, he shouts my name, calling me.

\- That kid came to talk to me again.

He is angry, and it is visible. Even if I didn't know you that well, I would know how much this situation is irritating you.

\- And what did he want?

\- Just chat. He asked if I had done some things in class and what I usually do in my free time.

\- And what did you say?

\- That I stay at home, playing games, watching movies and reading. What did you want me to say?

\- Hey, you have Kevin. Maybe she said that she spends a lot of time with her boyfriend, who, by the way, is missing her.

Aaron takes a deep breath and looks at me angrily

\- Kevin knows where I live. - Ah, so the boy is disgusted with his boyfriend. Interesting. - And I never wanted to expose our relationship, and it won't be for a funky boy I'm going to do.

\- You're right about that. But in relation to Kevin, you go to his house and go to sleep there today. You two are going to talk and work it out.

\- And why would i do that?

\- Because you're being childish, Aaron. He's just worried about you and if he wants you to do physical activity, it's not because he thinks you're getting fat or because he wants to control your life. Try to take into account that we both may know things that help you.

My brother looks at me perplexed. He didn't expect me to lose patience with him. It hardly happens. I always act cautiously around him, because I know how easily he can get into a crisis, but right now, the only thing that will make him understand the truth is if I throw it in his face.

He leaves the kitchen and goes to his room, slamming the door.

\- He wants to drive me insane, - I rub my hands in my hair and scream. Kevin is right, and it seems that I am getting closer to reaching my limit. I need a way to deal with Aaron that doesn't freak me out.

I need to maintain my sanity. Because my brother's is depleting mine.


	6. Chapter 6. dividing

I organize my days as follows:

\- School;

\- Hospital with my mother;

\- My job at the pharmacy;

\- Being at home with my uncle, where I study and sleep.

And so, I repeat this routine several days. For a few weeks.

The only thing that has distracted me from the suffering that is seeing my mom getting worse in a hospital bed without being able to do anything to help, is working on my theory about Aaron Minyard.

Every morning, as soon as I arrive at school, I look for him. I approach, comment on something and wait for your reaction.

Some mornings, he just ignores me or replies rudely; in others, he tends to pay attention to what I say and responds a little more sympathetically.

The curious thing is that he is usually more sympathetic when his hair is messier.

There is no difference in your tone of voice or the details of your face. There is no difference in anything other than the way you use your hair, the more relaxed posture and the way you treat me overnight. But I am increasingly convinced that there are two.

They must be twins. Identical. Or if they are not, one of them must be a clone - in this theory, I hope that the clone is the one who wears very neat hair and treats me rudely.

Is it wrong for me to be feeling excited every morning? Is it wrong to feel happy whenever I see that it is the version of him that I prefer? Is it wrong to feel my heart accelerate slightly every time he's looking at me?

Is it wrong to feel this while my mother is dying?

Am I a terrible son?

Some afternoons that I spend with her, I talk about my day and I even told my boy Minyard about my theory. She laughed, which I hadn't done in days, and asked me several questions about how I felt when I was talking to him, or when he was looking at me. My mom must be thinking that I like him, but I prefer not to think about that possibility.

Today, when I arrive in the classroom, I see the blonde sitting looking towards the door of the room. He pays attention to me and watches me as he approaches me at his desk.

\- Good morning - I comment smiling.

\- Hi.

He keeps watching me, and I feel my face heat up a little.

\- Yesterday you were a little rude to me.

He shrugs.

\- Maybe you were with me too, have you thought?

I laugh.

\- Why would I have been rude to you if I just asked if you liked roses?

\- Because maybe I don't like flowers.

\- And you don't like flowers?

\- No, I'm allergic.

He keeps looking at me.

\- Staring. - I speak.

\- You too. He shrugs again and taps his fingertips on the table. I pay attention to your hand and the movement of your fingers. It is very close to mine, a few centimeters and if I want to touch your hand, just move mine a little.

But I don't move it. Something tells me that he is not the type of person who likes to be touched, nor do I want to do anything that can keep him from this strange and curious interaction.

\- Do you already have a partner for today's physics experiment? I ask, as if in an attempt to distract myself from his hand so close to mine, and the impulse I try to suppress from feeling his skin against mine.

\- I do not have. Are you volunteering?

My face has a curious expression when I stop looking at his hand. His lips have a slight smile, the kind that only one corner of his lips is raised. Your eyes are fixed on mine.

\- What makes you think I don't have a partner?

\- Because you never talk to anyone but me.

Ah, the smart guy has been watching me then.

\- You notice me a lot, don't you think?

\- Apparently it is reciprocal, because you face me all the time.

\- Maybe I have an interest in doing that.

\- And what are they?

\- Find out who you are.

That is the answer, but I am not able to give it to him.

So I say what is not so compromising.

\- Find out if you're a nice guy.

\- This is easy. I can answer for you and you can go back to your normal life - he rests his arms on the table and leans towards me. - I'm not cool. - He whispers, as if he's telling me a secret.

\- Answering your assumption, I have no partner. - I decide to return to the subject before he tells me to stay away.

\- Are you waiting for a formal invitation to join me? Or are you a lone wolf and just wanted to make that clear?

I shrug.

\- I'm your partner now, - I say, moving closer to his ear, and then I head over to my wallet. when I sit down, I realize that he is staring at me.

When the physics class starts, I go to his desk and we work following all the instructions given by the teacher. We don't talk, we just work. We remain silent until I return to my table and he says goodbye. I don't answer, but I smile at him.

At the end of classes, I go to the supermarket parking lot near the school where my uncle is waiting for me. He is going to take me to the hospital because it is raining and what we need now is for me to get sick too.

When I'm approaching my uncle's car, I watch Aaron walking through the parking lot. He has no umbrella, and I don't think he saw me. He walks slowly to a car, opens the passenger door and looks in the direction of the driver's seat. The car starts and starts to leave the parking space. The car faces me, and in the driver's seat is a tall guy with a tattoo on his face, next to his eye. I cannot recognize the design of that distance. When I look at Aaron, I notice him staring at me. He has an irritated expression, says something to the driver and they speed past me.

When I get in my uncle's car, I keep trying to remember Aaron's look at me when he noticed that I saw him with that guy.

Who is he? Why was he angry when I saw them together?

Is it a friend? Boyfriend?

Something about that guy is familiar to me, but I can't remember where I could have seen him before.

\- Are you alright? - Uncle Stuart asks on the way to the hospital.

\- I am. - But I'm not so sure.

My head is too full, with too many theories. And I have no answer.

Having no answers is starting to bother me.

Later, when I am in the pharmacy serving a customer, I hear the sound of the door being opened. I look in the direction, wanting to warn the client that I'm going to serve him soon, and I get scared when I realize that I'm the blonde I study with.

He has his hands in the front pockets of his black jeans and is staring at me.

I continue to answer the gentleman in front of me, trying to concentrate. I hear the door again, and when I look, I notice that Aaron Minyard is leaving. Why would he come over here, face me and leave?

I'm getting more and more confused.


End file.
